Find Your Work Voice – What’s Your Style?

We all get trapped and tripped up with communication. It happens. The question is – how often does it happen, and what can we do about it?

The answer to that question is based on our own personal Self-Awareness and desire to build Communication Skills around it.

Communication at work can be broken into a variety of styles and sub-styles, and there multiple theories and approaches on this topic. We are going to focus on three primary styles: Assertive, Aggressive and Avoidant. We all maneuver through these styles regularly – although we commonly trend towards one versus the other (note: this is often based on personality, personal history, current environment, and a variety of other factors). An outline of these three styles is provided below:

3 Common Communication Styles (Commonly Cited Definitions & Sources)

Assertive: Defined as “the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your rights, needs, and personal boundaries”¹. and “Assertiveness means expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and direct, while still respecting others”.²

Aggressive: “Aggressive communication is described as expressing your feelings and opinions strongly and as they occur.”³ “An aggressive communication style is characterized by high emotion, low empathy, and a focus on “winning” the argument at any cost.”⁴ “Aggressiveness is a mode of communication and behavior where one expresses their feelings, needs, and rights without regard or respect for the needs, rights, and feelings of others.” ⁵

Avoidance (aka Passive): is “a style in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying and meeting their needs”.⁶ Also, seen as “not expressing feelings or needs; ignoring your own personal rights and allowing others to do so.”⁷

Note on Passive-Aggressive Communication: for the purposes of this article, Passive-Aggressive communication is a combination of avoidance and aggressive styles. It often results from sustained avoidance patterning over time, a pattern that continuously leaves the person’s needs unmet. The aggression arises from these unmet needs. In other words, sustained avoidance may turn resentful or even vengeful, and then is communicated and expressed as aggression (sometimes this is overt – seen as rage, sometimes it is more covert – such as snide or sarcastic comments). The challenge arises from the fact that the patterned avoidant communication style does not allow a person to fully express their feelings or get their needs met. Over time, the unmet needs and unvoiced feelings can surface as a form of aggression.

The reason we simplify and use “Avoidant” as the primary label, is that if we can identify our response within the “Avoidant” realm, then we can witness ourselves as avoiding getting our needs met through our communication style – and hopefully we can subvert the possibility of the aggression arising, by utilizing a more healthy approach through updating our communication style and/or seeking help to do so more effectively.

To build our communication skills, it is useful to start with a framework and common language. These three communication styles provide that. This is step one in building our communication skills: getting familiar with the different types of styles, and starting to identify them within ourselves, others and their impacts within our work environments. The clearer we get in this first step, the stronger we can take advantage of the next steps (our upcoming posts will walk through Step #2 & Step #3). Over the coming days and weeks, pay attention to how these communication styles shift, for yourself and others, depending on the circumstances. Use the following reflection exercises to build your awareness around these communication styles:

Personal Reflections:

• Which style do you trend towards? Why is that?
• What style makes you most uncomfortable?
• Is there ever a moment when an aggressive style is valuable?

Workplace Reflections:

• Can you identify the primary communication style of the different people you currently work around?
• Reflect on your work history. What style has been used primarily by the people you’ve been mentored by? Which style has been used by your colleagues and bosses? Does the style seem to change based on position/rank – or something else? How much does the individual contribute to the style, and how much does the culture of the work environment contribute?
• Did any of these styles cause challenges at work? Which style is challenging for you to be around and connect with?

Extra Credit for You Go-Getters… that’s you if you are still reading 😉

• As you start to build some awareness around these styles, start to notice how they feel in your body too. For example, when you are avoiding a conversation, do your hands feel clammy? Does your voice start to quiver, or is there perhaps a lump in your throat? What about when it turns aggressive – do you feel hot, or is there tension somewhere? How does your chest area feel just before you express yourself?
• Pay attention to the moment just before you speak, end the conversation or walk away… What’s going inside of you, and how is your body reacting to the moment?
• The Key for Building Body Awareness – Self Compassion: As you watch yourself respond with these common, human, bodily reactions – can you offer yourself some compassion in the moment? All of us feel these. No one gets a free pass. What steps can you take to offer yourself some kindness, as you reflect gently and start to build these new awareness muscles?

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References:

1. What is Assertive Communication? 10 Real-Life Examples (positivepsychology.com) specific citation (Pipas & Jaradat, 2010, p. 649) – we love positivepsychology.com articles and resources. They always cite their sources and offer a wealth of information on a variety of topics.
2. Assertive communication (healthywa.wa.gov.au) – good resource with some tables on assertiveness vs. aggressiveness as well as statement reframes.
3. Aggressive Communication – an overview | ScienceDirect Topics
4. Niess J, Diefenbach S. Communication styles of interactive tools for self-improvement. Psych Well- Being. 2016;6:3. doi:10.1186/s13612-016-0040-8 and How to Detect and Manage Communication Aggressiveness
   (verywellmind.com)
5. Niess J, Diefenbach S. Communication styles of interactive tools for self-improvement. Psych Well- Being. 2016;6:3. doi:10.1186/s13612-016-0040-8 and How to Detect and Manage Communication Aggressiveness (verywellmind.com)
6. Conf14_FourCommStyles.pdf (uky.edu) UK Violence Intervention and Prevention Center
7. Choosing Your Communication Style | UMatter (princeton.edu)